Let Down

I called Jacob today to see if we could get together after the GBS concert tonight. That doesn’t work for them, which isn’t a huge deal, but what bothered me was that they were in the middle of playing Agricola.

Agricola is a board game that has been very popular for the past few months in the European board gaming community. I got into European board games by being introduced to them by Jacob’s family. At the time I needed parental figures in my life that were actually stable adults who wanted to have me around and Jacob’s parents and siblings filled that role for me for several years. I would often wish that I could have them as my biological family and be spared some of the things I went through growing up and have actually family members with whom I can relate. Board games were one of the major activities that I would share with that family.

For the past 3-4 years I had fallen out of touch with them, but met up with them last week at a lecture at Furman University. I was so overjoyed to see them; we shared hugs and short conversations, and I was even a little teary-eyed. One of the things we talked about was our traditional hobby; European board games. I mentioned Agricola and how it had become one of my favorite games. They said at some point that they would like me to come visit them in Georgia, and when we parted I was excited to see them at some point in the future and introduce my new favorite game to the people that introduced so many of my past favorites to me.

So when I heard that they had purchased and were playing this game without me, I immediately spiraled down to a pretty deep depression. I know that they didn’t think that I would interpret this as a slight against me, I’m sure they just wanted a new game to play with their visiting son from Milwaukee, and decided to get the game they had recently discussed. I realize this. However, I can’t help but feel totally abandoned by some of the most important people in my life right now. And as I am sinking downward I think how silly of a thing this is to be upset about, but I can’t help it. I have a lot of abandonment and self-esteem issues, and stuff like this pushes rationality down into a dark corner and makes me regress into a scared kid who thinks no one will ever love him.

Which is ridiculous. I will be thirty years old in less than a month and I’m still having daddy issues. I’ve often thought my case of Arrested Development was at an end, but now I wonder if I will be like this at 40 or 50.


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